• By Amanda Kippert

When you ask survivors what their last straw was during domestic violence, their answers will likely range from “the first time they threatened to hit me” to “the first time they put me in the hospital.”

Receive New Helpful Articles Weekly

Survivors can pinpoint that moment in time when abuse took a sudden escalation and for many that’s their cue to find a way to leave, and fast. Others may feel trapped, either by circumstances like finances or housing that make it seem impossible to leave, or by the hope that they can still change the abuser. Either way, escalation is often a glaringly red flag that indicates a survivor’s life is at risk. 

What Does Escalation Look Like?

According to The National Domestic Violence Hotline, escalation can happen either gradually or all of a sudden.

Gradual Escalation: Verbal abuse, like insults, slowly become more harmful and degrading. Control goes from “I’d rather you not go out with your friends tonight,” to a more demanding “I’ll tell you when you can leave the house.” Threats become more alarming, going from “You make me so mad I could punch a wall,” to “I’m going to punch you if you say that again.”

Sudden Escalation: Abuse abruptly intensifies from, say, threats to physical violence. It’s the first time the abuser pushes, hits or strangles a survivor. For the first time, the abuser may threaten, yell at or physically harm pets or children. And for the first time, this abuse may be on display in front of others or in a public space, instead of behind closed doors. This could be the first time a survivor may admit to themselves that what’s happening is actually abuse. 

While an abuser may say they “lost control” or “didn’t mean it” when their abuse escalates, that’s not true. Escalation is a choice abusers make when they feel like they’re losing control of the survivor or when they want to send a very clear message—they hold the power in the relationship.

Why It’s So Dangerous

When abuse escalates, an abuser is basically showing that they have a new way to exert power over a survivor. The abuser is becoming more emboldened. They are moving on to the next phase of their plan to trap a survivor. 

Escalation is not caused by something a survivor did. A survivor did not make an abuser “more mad” by something the survivor did or said—abusers choose to escalate abuse just as they choose not to deescalate it. 

When an abuser has clearly shown that their abusive tactics have gone to the next level, the survivor should know two things: 1) It’s only going to get more dangerous to leave later on and 2) Things can escalate even more.

Criminology expert Dr. Jane Monckton Smith studied 372 intimate partner homicides in the UK and found an eight-stage pattern that almost all the murders had in common:

• A pre-relationship history of stalking or abuse by the perpetrator
• The romance developing quickly into a serious relationship 
• The relationship becoming dominated by coercive control
• A trigger to threaten the perpetrator’s control—for example, the relationship ends or the perpetrator gets into financial difficulty
• Escalation, or an increase in the intensity or frequency of the partner’s control tactics, such as by stalking or threatening suicide
• The perpetrator has a change in thinking, choosing to move on either through revenge or by homicide
• Planning—the perpetrator might buy weapons or seek opportunities to get the victim alone
• Homicide—the perpetrator kills his or her partner, and possibly hurts others such as the victim’s children

After the relationship developed quickly and became dominated by coercive control, there was escalation in almost all of the relationships, at which time the partner’s control tactics ramped up. This was followed by planning—the perpetrator might have bought a weapon or planned a time to get the victim alone, and then committed homicide. 

For more red flags that can predict homicide, read “Will an Abuser Kill You?”

Escalation When Things Aren’t Physically Violent

For those who are with a psychologically abusive partner, someone who isn’t physically violent but who manipulates, degrades and gaslights a survivor, escalation can still occur. It might look like the abuser…. 

• Not respecting a survivor’s boundaries.
• Blaming the survivor for the abuse and not taking responsibility for his or her choices.
• Isolating the survivor from friends and family.
• Threatening to harm or take away a survivor’s children.
• Threatening to harm pets.
• Acquiring a weapon as a means of intimidation. 
• Displaying excessive jealousy or paranoia. 

Remember that verbal and emotional abuse can, at any time, escalate to physical violence. The most dangerous thing for a survivor is to underestimate what an abuser is capable of. It can be hard when a survivor feels like they love their abusive partner and, consequently, keep giving them more chances to change.

Where’s Your Line?

Even if a survivor isn’t ready to leave yet, creating a safety plan is always a smart idea. Within that safety plan, a survivor should think about what their final straw will be. What is a survivor willing to put up with and what will they not? While no abuse is acceptable, it may be that a survivor needs to tell themselves they can handle someone who yells, but as soon as that person yells at their child, the survivor is out. When their limit is reached, a survivor should have a plan in place of where they’re going to go or who they’re going to call. 

What was your last straw with an abusive partner? – Results

When they became possessive and controlling over me.

12 votes

When they threatened to physically harm me.

2 votes

When they threatened to physically harm my children.

3 votes

The first time they were physically violent toward me.

7 votes

The first time they were physically violent toward my children.

9 votes

When I wound up needing medical care or being hospitalized.

5 votes

When they threatened to kill me.

11 votes

When they acquired a weapon that I knew could kill me.

3 votes

After they tried to kill me.

9 votes

My final straw was something else.

19 votes

1. Believe and Validate
When a survivor opens up to you, listen without judgment.
Avoid questioning or doubting their experience — even if it’s hard to hear.
Say things like: “I believe you.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“You didn’t deserve this.”

2. Offer Emotional Support
Let them share their story at their own pace.
Don’t pressure them to take action — just let them know you’re there.
Provide reassurance by saying: “You’re not alone.”
“I’m here for you whenever you need to talk.”

3. Respect Their Decisions
Survivors may not be ready to leave the relationship right away.
Respect their choices and avoid saying things like: “Why don’t you just leave?”
“If it were me, I’d leave.”
Instead, say: “I trust you to know what’s best for you.”
“I’m here to support you no matter what.”

4. Educate Yourself About Domestic Violence
Learn about the cycle of abuse and the challenges survivors face.
Understand the barriers to leaving, like financial dependence, fear, or lack of support.
Educate others to break down stigma and myths surrounding abuse.

5. Help Them Create a Safety Plan
If they’re open to it, help them think through an exit plan: Where can they go?
Who can they contact in an emergency?
How can they gather important documents or belongings safely?
Connect them with resources like shelters and hotlines.

6. Provide Practical Support
Offer help with transportation, childcare, or finding resources.
If they need a safe place to stay, explore options together.
Accompany them to court dates or medical visits if they ask.

7. Avoid Judgment and Blame
Survivors may return to their abuser multiple times before leaving for good.
Avoid shaming them — leaving is a complex and dangerous process.
Instead of saying “I told you so,” say: “I’m proud of you for being strong.”
“I’m still here for you.”

8. Keep It Confidential
Don’t share their story without permission.
Respect their privacy — trust and safety are critical.

9. Encourage Professional Help
Share information about local shelters, hotlines, and support groups.
Suggest trauma-informed counseling or legal assistance.

10. Continue to Be Present
Healing from abuse takes time — be patient and consistent.
Check in regularly with a simple, “How are you doing?”
Let them know they are not alone and you are always in their corner.

Your support could be a lifeline for someone trying to escape abuse. Just knowing they have someone who believes in them can make all the difference.

1. Tension Building

• During this phase, stress and tension begin to rise.
• The abuser may become irritable, easily angered, or emotionally distant.
• Red flags to watch for:
  • Frequent criticism or put-downs
  • Walking on eggshells to avoid conflict
  • Increasing control over your actions or decisions
  • Blaming you for small issues

2. Incident (Abuse)

• The tension erupts into an abusive event, which can be physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, or financial.
• The abuser may lash out violently or emotionally.
• Red flags to watch for:
  • Physical violence (hitting, pushing, choking)
  • Threats, intimidation, or insults
  • Controlling behavior (restricting access to money, friends, or activities)
  • Sexual coercion or manipulation

3. Reconciliation (Honeymoon Phase)

• After the abuse, the abuser may apologize, make excuses, or shower the victim with affection.
• They might promise to change or say it will never happen again.
• Red flags to watch for:
  • Gifts or over-the-top affection after abuse
  • Apologies that shift the blame (“I wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t…”)
  • Making you feel guilty for considering leaving
  • Pressure to forgive quickly

4. Calm (Temporary Normalcy)

• Things may feel “normal” for a while, and the abuser may act as if nothing happened.
• The victim may feel hopeful that the abuse has ended.
• Red flags to watch for:
  • Avoiding talking about the abuse
  • Feeling relieved but also anxious about when it might happen again
  • Subtle attempts to regain control (monitoring your phone, questioning your actions)

Why the Cycle Repeats

The calm phase creates a false sense of security, leading the victim to believe that the abuse was a one-time event. However, without intervention or accountability, the cycle tends to repeat, often with increasing severity.

How to Break the Cycle

• Recognize the signs – Understanding the cycle helps you see patterns and avoid rationalizing the abuse.
• Seek support – Talk to a trusted friend, counselor, or domestic violence advocate.
• Create a safety plan – Having a plan in place to leave safely is essential.
• Reach out to a shelter or helpline – Places like The Beaman Home offer confidential support and resources.

If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, remember—you are not alone. Help is available.

More stats to follow as information becomes available!